What Could Have Been
by BloodAndDiamonds
Summary: Their path could have twisted in any direction, and they knew that they'd have been powerless to stop it. Four ways in which Mahariel could have been happy, and the single harsh reality in which she is living.


**A/N**: Hey! I'm back online after a little break away from fanfiction, and the first thing I'm throwing out is a Tamlen/Mahariel! Some of my current readers might be thinking "What are you doing? Go back and finish Imposition!" but I just re-wrote another chapter of Meddling and so I'm in a Tamlen/Mahariel mood, so this was spawned. Kind of. I don't even _know_. First four are the ways that Mahariel is happy with her life, final one is the reality she lives. **Be****warned**: The last one contains Spoilers for Dragon Age: Asunder. Big ones.

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><p><strong>4.<strong>

Mahariel is getting jittery.

She lets out a heavy sigh and paces between two tents, one hand placed at her throat as she tries to take deep breaths and draw her focus away from the situation at hand.

"Please stop pacing, you're making _me _nervous." Merrill doesn't look up from the book she's reading as she speaks, and Mahariel simply shoots the woman a hopeless look before resuming her pacing.

"I can't help it. I haven't felt this apprehensive since Tamlen and I wandered into that cave a few years back. We didn't get past the first door before I dragged him back out, but I can't drag him out of _this_." Mahariel holds her head in her hands and slumps down onto the log next to Merrill. The younger elf simply flicks a page in her book before she looks up at Mahariel with a small smile.

"Don't worry, Lethallan, they've no reason to be hurt."

"They're a _day _late. A whole _day_. I _knew _sending in more than two hunters would bring trouble, the attitude towards elves hasn't _changed _you know, Hero of Ferelden or no." Mahariel, unable to sit still for very long, stands up and twirls her ring around her finger, and only briefly flings glances towards the edge of the forest. Merrill looks up at Mahariel in slight confusion.

"But the Hero was an elf, wasn't she?"

"Yes, a _city _elf. The Dalish are still considered barbaric- _where __are __they?__"_ Mahariel contemplates kicking a tree, but a sudden wave of nausea over her nerves stops her from doing so. "I'm twenty-three years old and I've lost my bond-mate already because he's gone _missing_-" A sharp cough cuts Mahariel off, and it's accompanied with three sets of footsteps on the forest floor.

"You're not getting rid of me _that _easily." Merrill looks up from her book so quickly her neck clicks, and Mahariel spins on her heel and allows a bright smile to split her face as she catches sight of the four hunters returning through the forest. Junar and Pol are holding up an injured –but grinning- Fenarel, and Tamlen looks to be leading them ahead back to the camp. Mahariel wanders to her bond-made and carefully inspects a blossoming bruise under his left eye and a nasty looking cut across his jaw line, before she raises her hand to lightly slap his arm for making her worry so much. To her surprise, her wrist is gripped before it is even fully raised, and Mahariel finds herself dragged forward with a laugh and kissed so hard her knees buckle beneath her. She's crushed tightly against her bond-mate's body, and all the worry and fear from the last twenty-four hours melt away in the warm embrace. Only when she's released does she look up at Tamlen, and with a wry grin she traces a finger over the bruise.

"Mind telling me what happened?" Tamlen's deep laughter fills her ears at her question, and he dips his head to rest his forehead against her own before he answers.

"Imagine this: Four elves walk into a bar…"

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><p><strong>3.<strong>

They've been through this once already. Too afraid to take a step forward, they've bonded with other people and had those very bonds fizzled out within months due to incompatibility. An affair, started before the end of a bond and never finished.

Until now.

Mahariel approaches the clearing apprehensively, Tamlen's last words to her echoing around her head and refusing to leave. The affair will be ending, she knows that much, and she has to admit she's curious as to how Tamlen plans on breaking everything off. They both knew from the very beginning, after a heated kiss whilst their bond-mates hunted, that any affair started between them was wrong and wouldn't last long.

The fact that a year on they're still locked in such a state surprises Mahariel to no end. She steps out into the clearing, head hung in misery as Tamlen catches sight of her approaching figure. It's dark, dreadfully so, and even the stars don't shine as brightly as they used to. Nothing in the Ferelden sky shines as it did before the blight.

Tamlen nearly breaks at the look of utter misery on his lover's face, but as he steps towards her with an outstretched hand, she holds up her own to stop him and the intensity of her gaze makes him freeze where he is.

"I know why you asked me to come here, and I'm sorry that it has taken this long for you to do this. It's just… I really wish I'd told you years ago how I felt about you, Tamlen, because now it's too late and I've lost you completely. If only I'd told you instead of skirting around the topic for twenty years waiting for you to say something, I could have avoided that disastrous bond and you could have too. I'm too _old _to be dealing with this, I should be happy instead of having an affair out of wedlock." Mahariel wrings her hands in front of her as Tamlen cocks his head to the side and _really _looks at her.

"I should hardly call forty-two _old_, even by shemlen standards." Mahariel's head snaps up to meet his gaze, and Tamlen detects the barest hint of anger flashing behind her eyes as she stares him down once more.

"Now is not the time for jokes."

"Nor is it the time for you to be so morose; I didn't ask you to meet me here to stop our rendezvous', I asked you here because I want to know if you'll bond with me. I _had_wanted this to be a bit more romantic, but you're forcing my hand here." He looks at Mahariel so intensely that Mahariel feels her jaw go slack and her emotions explode inside her. Tamlen doesn't break his gaze and, although he finds it quite comical how Mahariel is opening and closing her mouth trying to formulate a response, he keeps a straight face so his lover knows he is serious.

After a minute or two –and Tamlen can't be sure because her silence is making him so incredibly _nervous_- Mahariel all but launches herself at him and envelopes his lips in a kiss.

Tamlen catches her, as he always has done and always will do, and even though it comes twenty years later than it should have done, their bond is set and they're _happy_.

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><p><strong>2.<strong>

The silence in the carriage is oddly gloomy for the two elves seated inside it. Rain spattered loudly against the wooden board that covered the door window, and the only light in the carriage came from the other small window that allowed them to converse with the driver. The sky was darkening quickly in the way that it only ever seems to do in winter, making it steadily darken inside the carriage. Mahariel taps her fingers on the wood idly, letting a heavy sigh escape through her lips before they turn downwards in a frown. Tamlen looks up at her and raises an eyebrow.

"I thought you couldn't wait to get out of Amaranthine."

"I couldn't, it wouldn't have been long before the Wardens replaced us anyway and I was getting sick of the nobility looking down on me. You would think that, after five years of running the place, they would have realised that I wasn't going to slip up anytime soon. But I can't help thinking, where do we go now? The clan is near Kirkwall, but we were warned not to go near the city and I don't fancy the idea of going against that woman's wishes." Mahariel shifts in her seat, knocking her knee against Tamlen's as he gives her a contemplative look. Mahariel can see the gears turning in his mind as he thinks of _somewhere _they can go.

"Well, we have the whole of Thedas to explore, who's to say we can't go where we want to? I think once we arrive in Denerim we can get a ship _somewhere _from the docks and go explore Thedas in the last few years we have free." Mahariel turns her gaze from the wooden board and cocks her head to the side at Tamlen.

"Oh no, I'm not trusting you when you say we should explore. Remember what happened the last time you wanted to 'explore'?" Tamlen sits back in his seat at the comment, choosing to ignore it rather than bite back. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that Mahariel is still slightly bitter about him having pressed her to explore the cave all those years ago; they both know that if he hadn't dragged her in there in the first place they wouldn't have had to leave their clan. They wouldn't _be _here. They've never spoken about it out loud, but it lies unspoken between them whenever they argue over Grey Warden business. Mahariel keeps her gaze on him and, after a moment, speaks up with a sigh.

"I'm sorry. I know that sometimes it seems like I blame you for this, but if I'm honest, I'm so glad that it turned out this way at least. They tried to drag me from the cave when we went in to search for you, you know. I kicked and screamed and _somehow _got out of Merrill's grip, and it gives me nightmares to think what would have happened if I'd just let them take me from the cave. If I hadn't gotten out of their grip, I wouldn't have found you and you'd be…" Mahariel trails off, choking on her words at the terrifying prospect of having to have gone through the last six and a half years alone.

"You never told me that. I always thought you'd just found me outside the ruin and took me back to camp."

"No, Duncan told me you were likely dead already, and that I should have left the cave with him. I don't care to discuss this." Mahariel recoils into the seat at the thought of what her bond-mate would have ended up going through had they not found him. He'd nearly started the transformation into a ghoul when they dragged him through the vines in the ruin, and even now parts of his skin is tinged a mottled purple as a permanent reminder of what he'd very nearly been turned into. Tamlen simply smiles at her and leans across to tuck some of her hair behind her ear.

"Don't think about it then. Look, it's completely dark outside now. Just imagine, by the time the sun sets tomorrow evening we'll be on a ship, heading to a dock in a city we don't even _know _yet with the Grey Wardens hot on our heels trying to get us to go back to them." His tone is light and jovial, and Mahariel throws him a scowl.

"Oh joy, a _boat _to look forward to." Mahariel shudders at the idea; she'd always been terribly seasick, and Tamlen knows that for the first hour or so of the journey tomorrow she'll be sitting with her head over the side of the boat, grumbling to herself and trying to calm her nerves. But he doesn't care, because they're heading somewhere _new_ just like they always used to, and he's got her all to himself without having to worry about some political problem cropping up last minute to ruin their plans.

Across from him, on her side of the carriage, Mahariel gives him a wry grin and rolls her eyes fondly, and Tamlen finds he can't _wait _for whatever tomorrow brings.

* * *

><p><strong>1. <strong>

Hahren Paivel's voice travels over the crackling of the campfire, his deep tone regaling stories from ages past to the da'len in the clan. Mahariel grins at the man when he catches her eye; he's telling one of his darker tales it seems, as some of the younger children are hugging their blankets to their chests as Paivel makes big hand movements with a wicked grin on his face.

"From that look on your face, Lethallan, I can tell you want to join the children, don't you?" The voice, smooth and familiar, makes Mahariel turn her face away from the Hahren and his tales to glance up at her clanmate.

"I think Marethari would find a way to remove my Vallaslin if I did join them." Mahariel grins at Tamlen, a sly grin that makes Tamlen wonder if she knows something he doesn't. He shrugs it off, and instead sits down next to her and holds his hands before the fire.

"A bit dramatic, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but after today's brawling she's less than impressed with me." She pauses, wondering if she should continue. After a beat, and a moment's hesitation, she keeps talking. "Thank you for covering for me yesterday, by the way." Mahariel's cheeks flush pink after she speaks, and she ducks her head and tries to pretend to herself that it's just the heat from the fire.

"You don't need to thank me, Lethallan; you know I'd do anything for you." Mahariel momentarily freezes before looking up again, and she turns her head to be met with such an intense gaze that, were she standing, would surely make her knees buckle. Tamlen's eyes lock with her own and Mahariel immediately knows that she won't be able to look away. Without thinking it through completely, Mahariel closes the small distance between them and gently presses her lips to Tamlen's. The kiss is light, hesitant, and over far too quickly for them, and when Mahariel pulls back her cheeks practically burn from nervous embarrassment. A very small smile tugs at her lips when she notices briefly that Tamlen's eyes have fluttered closed, and she thanks the Creators that it is dark enough that not many people in the clan can witness the look on his face.

"I'm sorry." Mahariel pulls her knees to her chest and curses her nerves for making her act like a love-stuck da'len, but Tamlen shifts around until he is sitting with his own knees pressed against her thigh.

"I'm not complaining, Lethallan." His words are light-hearted and honest, and Mahariel grins despite her embarrassment and looks carefully at her best friend. The campfire gives his cheeks a warm, slightly flushed, glow, and Mahariel is struck once again with the thought that her friend is simply beautiful.

"I love you. I have done since we were children, but I never realised it until I was sixteen. For six years I've _ached _to tell you, but I've always been scared that you might not love me." Mahariel's tone is slightly morose, for she wonders if she has made the right choice by telling him, or if she has made a terrible mistake. He won't shun her, no; she knows he would never do such a thing to her. Tamlen shifts once more, moving directly in front of Mahariel before he unfolds his legs and kneels so he is slightly taller than her. Mahariel sits frozen, unsure of what he is doing, but folds her own legs beneath her so she shifts forward slightly in a subconscious attempt to get closer to him. Tamlen smiles at her.

"Well, Lethallan, that's very convenient for me." At Mahariel's raised eyebrow, Tamlen realises that perhaps those weren't the best words to say.

"Convenient? I tell you that I'm in _love _with you, and you say it's _convenient_?"

"Don't think of it like that, Lethallan. I've been in love with you for most of my life; tomorrow I was going to ask you to bond with me." He smiles at her, an adoring smile that melts any walls Mahariel may have up, and he leans forward to place another kiss to her lips. His heart feels as though it's about to burst; Mahariel _loves _him, it's much more than he'd have dared to hope for and kissing her is like walking on _air._

Tomorrow, they won't be going hunting or doing their duties with the craftsman; they'll be organising their bonding ceremony with Marethari and absolutely _nothing _will stop them from it.

* * *

><p><strong>+1<strong>.

It's cold.

It has registered with Mahariel a thousand times before, but sitting under a tent whilst the snow piles around her and her teeth chatter terribly, her mind can't help but state the obvious to her. The fire she'd set up hours before has died out, the tent is barely standing on its last legs and Mahariel's fur cloak has so many holes in it that it's pointless using it for anything more than drying her bow with.

Not for the first time, Mahariel glances at the dagger peeking out of her pack and wonders just what would happen if she were to plunge it into her chest now and leave everything behind.

Asha'belannar would probably find a way to bring her back from the dead and force her to keep going, most likely. In all honesty, Mahariel doesn't know why she hasn't tried it before. Ever since that day nine years ago, when she'd allowed Tamlen to go into the cave and had followed him blindly, her life has been nothing but misery. Killing him had burnt a hole in her heart, one that had never been repaired, and after the end of the blight she'd naively assumed that she would never have to face death again.

Oh how _wrong _she'd been. She hadn't wanted to be dragged to Amaranthine, certainly not to face the darkspawn again, and she'd never wanted to leave her clan. Now, after having being warned away from Kirkwall, Mahariel cries at how she'd never really _said_her goodbyes to them when she'd left to become the Warden-Commander.

Now, only two members of her clan survive including herself. The other survivor is the reason they're dead, blind curiosity having destroyed the clan from the inside out. Mahariel is completely alone, sitting in her tent in the wilderness with the knowledge that she no longer has any place to return to. She may have been hiding for half a decade, but she'd always planned on returning to the clan someday.

It's impossible, now, and the thought makes Mahariel sniffle and pull her fur cloak closer to pointlessly try to keep the chill out.

She wanders the borders of the countries of Thedas, catching news every few weeks if she happens to walk past an outpost, and the news she continues to hear tears her apart. From the outpost she'd passed not two weeks ago she'd heard the news of what had happened at the White Spire from an elf who had been serving in the Circle's kitchens, and even now the news brings tears to her eyes.

Wynne, her dear friend mother-figure during the blight, is dead. Killed during the rebellion at the White Spire, having given her life in order to bring back a templar. The knowledge makes Mahariel smile sadly; the woman had always wondered why the spirit had given her a second chance, and no doubt the mage felt that she had found her reason when she'd given her life for the templar's.

And, most recently, from the outpost she'd passed a few hours ago, news from Andoral's Reach of the confirmed war. The mages conclave, held only a week ago, has decided on fighting the templars rather than submit, and the head of the Seekers having removed the Seekers and the Templar's from the Divine's command.

Mahariel scoffs at the latest knowledge, surprised that the Divine had called Lord Seeker Lambert from the White Spire with the full knowledge of what would be occurring there during the human's absence. There are rumours of a redheaded agent of the Divine's having been involved in the rebellion, and Mahariel can only smirk at that knowledge; Leliana no doubt.

With a sigh, and a shake of the head, Mahariel laments on the fact that the world she fought so hard to save is now tearing itself apart. At least, she thinks sarcastically, no one is blaming the elves for this.

Leaning forward with another heavy sigh, Mahariel pulls the flaps of the tent shut and blocks out the snow, and lays down on her mucky bedroll, prepared to face another night of nightmares. She'll wake up alone in a cold sweat, shivering due to the low temperatures, and eat her rations slowly before preparing herself for another long day of simply wandering.

She's used to it by now and, sadly, her existence simply cannot get any worse.

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><p><strong>AN2**: Soo, to explain. First four are ways in which she could have been happy, last one is the reality she lives in. She's alone, has been for years, and is waiting to be found as she wanders. Had she not gone in the cave with Tamlen, the first four would have been how her life could have turned out, and she'd have been happy.

First one: They don't get to the mirror in the cave because Mahariel gets so scared in the entrance that Tamlen takes her back to the camp, where they simply forget about the cave as the clan has to move north.

Second one: They simply don't enter the cave because they assume the humans were lying, and although it takes twenty years and a failed marriage each for them to admit it, Mahariel and Tamlen finally tell each other their true feelings.

Third one: Links to "Meddling", my last Mahariel/Tamlen full story. Mahariel finds Tamlen in the cave and, although he's very ill, he survives the journey to Ostagar and becomes a Grey Warden along with Mahariel. Insert the entire DA:O plotline but with Tamlen added in, and then add in Amaranthine and you end up with the above.

Fourth one: Set the night before they go out hunting and find the humans. Originally, Mahariel wouldn't have said "Thanks for covering for me", Tamlen wouldn't have given the reply, and thus they'd go out hunting. However, Mahariel takes the chance here and says it, admits her feelings, and presumably they don't do the whole "let's go cave exploring and hunting" since they're discussing bonding.

The Negative one: Set just after the ending of Dragon Age: Asunder. War has broken out for definite, the circle mages have either been killed or fled to Andoral's Reach, and Mahariel is alone waiting to be found by the Seekers, but she doesn't know how long until she'll be found.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed, this is the first sort of 4+1 thing I've done in a long time!


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